TearLine Group

I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore

Not that I ever did but the lack of structure throws me off

I feel lost in in-between silences that bare a discomfort I can’t ignore.

In this alleged freedom I feel limited and restricted

Because routine makes me feel protected

Even as I’m writing I’m following this structure,

trying to make it sound flawless and perfect

But maybe it’s not even that

Maybe I need to somehow get used to the fact that I’m an uncomfortable person

A worried paranoid person and like I’ve been told, try to live with that

It’s too hard

I’m putting effort in comfort over and over, slowly learning how to do it myself

Yet I wonder if it will ever be enough

And I always come back to the good parts, and I always forget.

And I feel too deeply in me, and as far as in strangers in their cries and laughs

And it hurts me, and I try to live with it

But I still put it off, until I can no longer.

But each day I’m getting stronger

Until I’m not.

You say this too is a routine at this point,

But this is a one I never seem to be able adapt to

You say I dance with it, I play along,

But I barely choose it

And maybe it’s the only thing makes me feel strong

It feels to me like dealing with it

And acting unbothered feels like only delaying it

And how can I live with it? Be unbothered? It sounds to me like ignoring it.

and I’ve learned that’s not the right answer.

So when will I, if ever, be able to answer it?

All I want is to keep away the discomfort that I seem to gain from every little inconvenience in everyone else’s lives all the time.

And I think I’m dealing with it, I’m learning as I fall and climb.