Control
Every time you’re around I feel trapped.
Whenever I see you, I sense the need to tune every emotion I’ve ever felt
Into something that doesn't exist.
I’m fine around others. I still hate being around other people but they don't make me feel ashamed to be crazy.
Not all of them.
I just do not give a fuck when I am around people, I don't want anyone to think I am normal. I wish for them to see me and think I am absolutely mad.
Which is how I feel a lot of the time.
I feel fucking insane.
I can't do anything without feeling the dread of insanity. Doing the same things every day over and over, the same routine I can't stand.
I need change.
The only change I can control is my personality.
That's why you see me as a different person every week.
I’m still Taylor.
I just need an escape from the feeling of being trapped.
And I always feel trapped when I am in the house.
I can’t bring myself to call this home.
Home is where you feel comfortable, Loved, Appreciated.
I feel like I’m being watched all the time. I can't shut my door and they put a mirror on the wall next to my room so they can look in to see me. To watch me. I feel like I can't do anything without being judged or stalked. I need some sort of release.
The way I look is the only thing I feel like I can control.
I can’t even fucking eat anything with out being scolded.
So why even eat at all?
I eat when I am told too.
Not when I need it.
I’m tired of their control. I wish I could control.
I wish I had control.